realignment

I have become a mother. I went through the most physically painful and mentally hardest task I have ever gone through in my life (that being labour), and it was completely and overwhelmingly worth it. I have since been thrown into a new role, the job description which has till now been foreign to me, and it has been continuous 24/7 since it began. I had gone through emotional highs and lows as never before since giving birth, and feel that after three weeks of uncertainty and having to learn and relearn despite my insecurities (breastfeeding troubles) I am finally comfortable with the basic routine of this new life role on which I can now add all those which were pre-existing (home making, house maintenance, etc). I feel like I have been through a battle and have the scars to prove it, a battle well worth fighting.

In all this I am so thankful to have been blessed first of all with the grace and strength to carry this responsibility and honour, to be a mother. I am thankful that I've been blessed with an amazing husband that not only supported me through pregnancy, the pain of labour and the immense fear I had in being stitched up afterwards, but has been a loving servant, an amazing father, a comforter and leader when I felt lost, a true example of Christ. And I am thankful to have an adorable, amazing little daughter in my life.

Having become a mum, I don't want this to become my sole identity. I don't want to forget who I am at the core. I don't want to set aside my hobbies forever. I don't want to hide who I was created to be. This is who I am:

♥ I am a child of God, a daughter saved by grace, created to worship the Creator
♥ I am a wife to the most amazing man in the world (biased, I'm sure)
♥ I am a new mum an adorable little girl, I'm still learning but loving the journey
♥ I am a creative designer of many things: both digital and physical, and also edible
♥ I am a musician, a vocalist, a lyricist, and an amateur at all three
♥ I am a bibliophile, a film fanatic, a fashion muse, a sale-shopper, just to name a few

In this new stage of my life, I don't want to forget who I am, what I love and what I live for. I want to be content with where I am, what I believe and what I think, and I don't want to keep being afraid of others opinions of myself. I want to feel free from these insecurities. And yet, I know I am free. I just forget I am, sometimes.

After glimpsing through my bible yesterday and reading this I was reminded of that which my heart desires more than anything else, what makes me feel alive, what gives me strength when I feel I haven't any left. In the same way that my daughter will get crazy excited at the scent of me when she's hungry, I have again found myself craving more of Jesus after just a whiff of Him. And I think that's just plain awesome. :)

ready to take on 2010

After watching 'Julie & Julia' on dvd a few weeks ago I was reminded of my own blog, all forlorn and forgotten. I realised a lot had changed since I last posted, and so will give a brief summary:

In mid-October: I was made redundant just before completing a full year.
As shocked as I was I had also expected this to occur in the near future, but didn't think it would for another few months. At the same I was glad and at peace about finishing up working there as I had started to resent accepting the role despite the gut feeling I had during the interview for the role, the gut feeling telling me that this was not the right place for me. Despite all, I learned a lot of life skills being there and so was excited for whatever was coming ahead in life.

About one week later: I discovered I was pregnant.
I was a month overdue and had been having horrible cramps constantly for a week straight. I was worried that this was due to a cyst that had previously been found in my left ovary, and I was scheduled to have key-hole surgery in January to remove and test it for cancer. So the morning after a week of cramps and worry I went to the doctor to have a blood test done. That afternoon hubby and I went to get the results to find out if it gave an indication of what might be causing the pain. What I'll never forget is the feeling of being told we were going to have a baby. It was complete and pure joy, the same feeling I had felt on our wedding day upon being told Adam and I were husband and wife. We had previously been told that it was highly unlikely that I would fall pregnant as the cyst present in one of the ovaries would prevent it from producing eggs. So this is our miracle baby.

Since then: I am growing and maturing.
I am enjoying the crazy journey of pregnancy with the support for family and friends, and am excited to meet our little bub. I am learning how to be a better wife-lover-friend to my husband and be less selfish, and desire that my heart will expand to embrace those around me so that I may love others better. I am praying that I will be a loving, nurturing mother. I am learning to take better care of our bedroom home and am looking forward to moving out in May, to make that house a home that is welcoming to all who step in, and to finally play with all the wedding gifts we've got as they have all been stored away till we move. Most of all, I am trusting that Jesus' love will always be at the core of all that I do, that I the way I live my life and love myself and others will be in a direct response to His love for us.

not just wistful

Birds Redux, originally uploaded by Grant Hamilton.

Through my childhood I remember being asked what I'd like to be when I grow up. I'd always answer with a lie, saying I wanted to be a teacher or an artist or an archaeologist. I'd never say what I was really thinking. All I've ever wanted to be when I grow up is happy.

maturity

Kind of like this blog I've started, there's a lot of things I want to achieve and get out of life. I want to be creative, be inspired as well as an inspiration, be comfortable with who I am but still growing. I'm deep at times yet forgetful. I jump from being intensely motivated to being stagnant and feeling blocked. I guess I'm just your average confused girl.

Now that I'm 23 years old and married, I realise that I'm no longer that extremely shy high school girl that hated pink. I'm older but still growing and maturing and learning how to be a woman. And I don't mean the kind that knows how to get what she wants whatever it takes despite the consequences to others. I want to be nurtured by faith, hope, love, kindness, patience, gentleness, truth - and I want to be all these to those around me.

flashback

I have a history of starting journals online and after a few entries forgetting all about them. I wrote this a while back on Tuesday, August 28, 2007:

Life is not worth living if you don't live out what you believe in. Say what you mean and mean what you say, don't be fake or a hypocrite. At the same time, everything in existence is here because it has a purpose. If you aren't fulfilling your purpose in life, what are you doing that is so much more important? Some may ask, what is my purpose in life? It is to make a difference in this world. Just as the simple wheel made a difference in the history of technology, the existence of you is meant to make an impact in the lives of those around you. Stop focusing on the disasters in your own life, start focusing on repairing the brokenness in the lives of the less fortunate around you. You are never so low that you can't help someone lower. Change the world, don't let the world change you.

That was the only entry I ever made in that blog but it's something I still feel strongly about it today and with the same determination, although maybe not with the same harshness. It's good to reflect on who and where I was a few years back, I find it helps to steer me towards the future.